blue.
highest skies and deeper oceans,
cold waters and hottest flames.
hell must be the iciest of blues, almost
white. so cold that it burns, so hot
it bites. pain is pain is
pain, whether hot or cold. is heaven
scarlet and hell white, maybe
they’re one and the same. blue, blue,
cold hot water fire. your
favorite color is blue,
like a midnight sky. you are
blue, sweet baby blue and navy blue comfort,
cotton candy and starry skies. your
favorite sweater is cornflower blue, you wear
sneakers the color of ocean depths.
calm, stable, faithful, not
gray.
stormy skies and raging rivers,
moody waves and hazy smoke.
everything around me is cloudy
gray, like i’m lost in medusa’s garden
and she’s added me to her collection.
dull eyes, numb smile, stone
heart, impenetrable as my well-practiced smile.
fuzzy, hazy, like i’m looking through
fog, but i don’t deserve the comfort of fogginess,
so i force myself to focus, force my vision to sharpen.
i don’t deserve to let myself fade into
black.
i don’t know how long i’ve been awake, maybe
five minutes, maybe five hours.
i need sleep but sleep is
a blessing, a gift, sleep is
rest. sleep is the doorway to a new day
i don’t want to enter. i’m not
suicidal but maybe i kinda want to be
dead, i don’t really feel
like dying but i don’t always want to
live, i’m just stuck somewhere
in the middle. the clock says 3:38 in cold
blue. last time i checked it was 3:31, maybe
it was 2:31. i can’t think about anything except
steel.
cool against my fingertips, sharp
edges, cold existence. pain, a little
like me. nothing,
i still feel nothing. a dull ache
in my chest, a faint pressure
behind my eyes. no tears to be found, why
can’t i feel anything? i feel too
little, you feel too much. your tears are
a few thoughts away, the ache in your chest turns
into heaving breaths. rivers run
down flushed cheeks, quickly dammed
by sweater sleeves. shaking shoulders, shakier
words, the spaces between them desperate
gasps for air. your heart is made of glass, mine of
stone.
there are no tears left for me.
in the deepest oceans i must smile, in the
thickest smoke i laugh and joke. my
truth is not needed
now. away, away, until my feelings are gone,
locked in a dusty prison. they fight and
scream, beat at their walls until
i feel them in my chest but i lost
the key a long time ago.
i have a new key that doesn’t fit
right but it works well
enough, anything to get rid of this ache, make me
feel, even if it’s
red.
burning sunsets and crackling fireplaces,
love and hate in equal measure. your
favorite candy flavor is cherry, my skin is striped
like a watercolor candy cane.
the ache fades but i still can’t
breathe, even now there are no tears for me,
so i try again,
again, until everything is red and there’s only a dull
burn. but the hurt is nice, a reminder that i’m not
dead, at least not yet. why won’t it burn me
alive, until i’m nothing but gray
ashes and stone fragments and your
tears might fall on the broken fragments of my
well-practiced smiles. red, dark
crimson red, a little color on
cold metal and colder skin. red
for fire, if only I could light
myself on fire and turn into smoke.
maybe i already have.
everything is fading to
white
or maybe it’s black.
starting off strong (and dark)! this is probably one of my best pieces, and probably my best poem. it's won the most writing competitions and i'm really proud of it. i am in a better place now though! so no worries :))
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