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maybes and ifs

if i run, i’ll remember you

and the sound of your laugh,

even though i wish i could forget.

i’ll remember your voice and the way

it made me feel

all soft and warm, like how you look

in your sweaters and turtlenecks.


if i run, please know

i know how it’ll hurt you, and it will

hurt me too. it might destroy me

but better me than you,

you (beautiful, precious, lovely, do you know

how you make me feel?) deserved

better than someone like me.


if i run and leave you behind,

i hope you’ll know that i did it

because i love

you and i can’t bring you down

with me when i explode,

shrapnel and acid soaring

as i sink into myself.


if i run and disappear,

i’ll keep my confessions in my head

and feelings spilling into my lungs,

because you make me feel warm

but i could drown in fire.


i wanted to burn,

wanted to bury myself in fantasies

of your smile and stolen hoodies,

warm hands in mine and even warmer

words (beautiful, precious, lovely,

all the things that i am not) ghosting

across my barricaded heart,


and i think i could’ve let my walls down

for you. if you asked,

i would have

stayed, would have done anything

you wanted.


but i don’t think you would.

 

something not totally depressing! i don't really like this one all that much heh but i wanted to post something that isn't super depressing so here's this one that's... sad? it's sad instead of depressing? i dunno. i'll probably stick with my depressing writing eheh but i hope you like this!

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